knowing is half the battle.

in an effort to be a less-worse gay than terence, i just sent the following email to my siblings. better late than never, eh?


Subject: I'm gay.


I've been thinking of the funniest way to tell you guys, and I figured putting it in the subject field was the way to go. So, yeah... I'm gay. I don't imagine this news should come as any surprise to you guys. I mean, when was the last time you guys heard I had a girlfriend? And how many straight guys do you know have lived with their female best friend? So, why am I telling you guys? And why now? Well, I'm thirty now, and it's more than a little ridiculous that I've never told you before. I suppose I never said anything before because we're not really that close, and I prefer to keep my business to myself. But that's unfair to you guys. We are, after all, family. But I also have somewhat selfish reason for doing this as well. Specifically, I'm planning on telling mommy this summer when dad's away on his Habitat trip. I'm sure that she will call you guys right after I tell her, and I'd kinda need you guys to be in the loop so that you're not caught off guard, and can maybe help her realize it's not the end of the world. I don't imagine that I'll ever tell dad, as he's really living too much in 1940's Italy to be able to deal.

I imagine you guys might have questions, so let me fill you in on a bit of my history: I've been "this way" pretty much since forever, and came out to my friends during high school. I used to go to a support group for gay teens while in H.S. (I would tell mom that I was going to the library to study), and there I met my first boyfriend, Al. It was a pretty silly teenage romance, and didn't last long. I won't bore you with the details of all of the relationships I've had since then, but you guys might be interested to know about Andrew, my current boyfriend. We've been together for a little over 3 years now, and you guys have both met him. Alex, he was one of the guys who helped move you metal table to your office, Val, he was one of the guys who was over when you came to my house and borrowed DVDs. Andrew moved in with me in January. (Hence my hesitation of having you and Paul over, Val.) He's a really great guy, and is very good for me and very good to me.

On the one hand, I hope this news doesn't change anything between us, but on the other hand, I hope it does. Specifically, I hope that I can now let myself be more honest and open with you guys. I also hope that you guys still view me as the same person I've always been, because that's what I am. I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention all this to mom and dad, and allow me to do that on my own time. Feel free to tell Erika and Paul, or whoever else. All of my friends know, so I don't really mind if any of yours do. I'm totally open to any questions or comments you guys might have. Sorry for the somewhat impersonal method o f of telling you guys over email, but it just seemed the most practical way of letting both of you know at the same time.


-mr


update:

my sister just wrote me back:

I am glad you told me and actually not surprised. I think I was always afraid of asking you about girlfriends because there was a suspicion. Having said that I am sort of digesting it but want to make sure I am supportive to you.
I wish you felt more comfortable about telling me earlier and to feel like you would feel like I would love you any way you are and support you in any way. Having said that I respect you wanting to tell mommy and can understand your needing to do that. However I do feel that she might not be able to wrap her head around it or deal with it. Having said that I know you probably don't want to feel like you are living a lie and want to share it with mommy. I am just really worried about mommy's health if you tell her (I guess I am being selfish and I just don't want something to happen to her, you know how I am always afraid something might happen to her and she might die-I know it is morbid but I can't help it. I just think you telling her might have a physical effect on her) I am here if you want to talk anytime. I am off the rest of this week and next week if you want to get together and talk.
From what I know of Andrew he seems like a very nice guy both times that I met him (I also met him during the black out).

I just want you to be happy and live a fulfilling life while at the same time having mommy be around as long as possible. I know you might think I am crazy, but I do think this will have a physical affect on her.

update 2:

my brother weighs in:

I am truly happy that you have opened up to us because, as you said, it allows us to be more honest and open with each other. I admire you for your courage, and if anything I hope that now that you are "out" in the open (with us) you will become more part of our lifes. I can just imagine how difficult it must have been for you to deal with these issues by yourself having the kind of close-minded parents that we have. I am sorry that I was not there for you, but myself, Erika, and the your two loving nephews have nothing but respect for your choices, and love for the person that you are (who doesn't love a gay uncle? :) ). I hope that we get a better chance to meet Andrew, and if he is to become a more important part of your life, we would like (if you so desire) that he become a more important part of ours (does he also want to baby sit next Thursday? :)). Let me know if you want any help with mommy.

Love always,

Your brother

PS - All those years I worked at gay clubs (the Saint), and gay parties (the White Party and the Black Party) I could have gotten you in.... see what you missed out on by waiting so long to tell me...

update 3:

my sister in law weighs in:

Thank you for opening up to us. And yes it wasn't a surprise not for all the reasons you say but because I always felt there was something you were not letting us see in you and that seemed to be the most likely reason. Especially coming from the family you come from.

I have to put my 2 cents in however about coming out to your mom.
My feeling is and maybe Alex disagrees with me because he takes a blind eye to the close mindedness of your parents. But my experience this past year with your mom sort of surprised me. When Alex and I were on the verge of breaking our marriage up your mom seemed to have a very closed minded view of the whole thing. I think she really believed if she prayed to God all would be fixed. God had nothing to do with any of it.

This is obviously your life and I wish you so much happiness but you may want to ease her into the whole thing. I'm not sure telling her you are gay and in a relationship and living with the person all at one time might not be a good idea. I also think you are asking a lot of her to keep something like that a secret from your Dad. That will be a huge burden on her and knowing your mom she will think it's her fault you are gay. When Alex and I were going through our stuff she would go on and on about the things she did with him and all she ever wanted was to do the best for him and all the mistakes she made etc.... I kept saying to her it has nothing to do with you Nice, this is Alex. These things are wrong with Alex because he is Alex this has nothing to do with you and let's just not go there.

There is so much to say on this matter and it's too much to write. Before you have the big talk I would love to meet and talk in person. To talk about what happened between Alex and myself this past winter and what I learned about everyone in the family. Especially your mom and dad and vale. Stuff you may be totally unaware because no one said anything.

Anyway, I am happy you are in a great relationship with a great guy. And I am excited to have a new outside member of our family.
Nothing has changed between us except I hope we can be that much more open with everything now.

I would really love to talk more to you in person about talking to your mom so if you want to let me know and we can meet.

i did tell me mom and she knows not to say anything to your mom, so no worries and she too is happy for you and would love to meet Andrew. You know my mom, now she can have the 2 of you out to dinner.
Even better for her.

We love you very much and can't wait to meet Andrew.